


Three Weeks in the Gutter

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Strangers With Candy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-19
Updated: 2007-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1635947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Events following "The Last Temptation of Blank."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Weeks in the Gutter

**Author's Note:**

> Millions of thanks my wonderful and sleep-deprived beta, Sara (sarcasticsra). You are amazing.
> 
> Written for ciachick711

 

 

He could never admit it to a murderous-looking Principal Blackman, but for Chuck Noblet, jail was no worse than anything else.

The past three weeks had certainly been the most interesting of his life, but they hadn't been much more pleasant than the rest of it. After starting out with a bang - a very memorable bang that was probably his finest hour - life as a stupid junkie whore had gone downhill fast. He wasn't very good at it, for one thing.

Admittedly, Chuck hadn't been a very good teacher, either, and he hadn't cared very much as it was something he had fallen into by bitter accident. Claire's family had pushed him into it, and just when he had been ready to quit and go permanently into hiding, Principal Blackman had hired Geoffrey. Geoffrey Jellineck. The pretty art teacher he cared for more than he had ever been able to admit, who was at present weeping theatrically.

"How terrible this is for all of me!" sobbed Geoffrey. "I -"

"Shut up," Chuck muttered irritably, but instantly regretted it when he saw his lover's broken, tearstained face.

"Yeah," put in Jerri, whom the guards hadn't bothered to escort to the women's cells. Chuck was pretty sure this wasn't negligence, but honest confusion. "Crying's for queers."

"You!" Geoffrey moaned, turning to face Jerri. "You're the reason I'm here! You did this to me! Your selfishness is going to ruin my life! Did you even stop to think about what could happen to me? Me!"

"Enough!" bellowed Blackman. "We must get out of here. It is time for all of you to be quiet while I think of a plan."

Jerri grinned. "That's it, Principal Blackman! You'll get us out of here! I know you will!"

"I meant you too, Jerri," said Blackman sternly. "Be quiet! The principal needs to think!"

Chuck knew better than to point out that Blackman hadn't been a principal in nearly a month. Geoffrey's head dropped dramatically into Chuck's lap, and Chuck began to idly run his fingers through the artist's hair. Geoffrey gave an appreciative sigh, and the next thought that ran through Chuck's mind was one that he was fairly sure Blackman wouldn't like.

Three Weeks Earlier

Selling their bodies for smack wasn't going according to plan. Or rather, it was only going according to plan for two of them. Principal Blackman was making a healthy living thanks to some very kinky types, and Mr. Jellineck had become very popular very quickly, much to the displeasure of Mr. Noblet. If there was one thing Jerri had never imagined she'd do - and being Jerri, she could imagine far more than anyone would ever want to know - it was wallowing in self-pity and smoking bad pot with Mr. Noblet.

"Sad," Jerri wailed as she took another hit, willing the pot to have any effect. She was still seeing nothing unusual. "I made a living like this for thirty-two years, and now nobody is giving me the time of day! It's like high school all over again! I'm never gonna be popular!"

Mr. Noblet, considerably more affected by the pot than Jerri, completely ignored her. "Where do those creeps get off thinking they can touch Geoffrey like that?" he whined. "And why don't any of them want me?"

"He's a whore," Jerri replied in a manner that was frighteningly close to sensible. "And you're a fatass. And a faggot."

Jerri laughed at her own statement, and laughed harder when Mr. Noblet broke down sobbing.

"Hello, everybody!" said Mr. Jellineck cheerfully, bursting into their cardboard box. "What's the matter, Chuck? If I were me, I'd turn that frown upside down!"

Jerri snorted as Mr. Noblet launched himself at his lover. "Faggots!" she yelled gleefully as the former history teacher choked out something that sounded like "don't let them touch you ... your lips ... oh, your pillowy lips -"

"All right," boomed the imperious voice of Principal Blackman. "Here is the food I've managed to procure for us today. Some caramel and potatoes for me, a healthy salad for Jellineck and three crumbs apiece for Noblet and Jerri." Blackman shook his head as he handed out the scraps. "The two of you need to start contributing more. I can't be held responsible if you die of hunger. Imagine the lawsuits!"

"Lawsuits?" asked Jerri, eyeing the former principal's meal with desperate longing. "But we're not in school anymore! We don't sue on the streets. We just brutally murder!"

Blackman swallowed and nodded, processing this. "Ah, right," he said. "Yes. Brutal murder. I quite forgot."

"Besides," said Jerri miserably, "nobody cares about me. There wouldn't be anybody to brutally murder you if I died of hunger." She paused. "Can I have a bite?"

"No!"

"Please?" Jerri begged, licking her lips. "Please? Just one teensy weensy little bite?"

"No, Jerri. You must learn to contribute," Blackman said with finality, and dove into his food.

"Hungry," Jerri moaned, staring sadly at her crumbs.

"Fucking miserable," echoed Mr. Noblet.

One Week Later

One day, when Jerri was working a corner frequented by various scummy types who were slightly richer than the other various scummy types to whom she usually catered, she spotted a familiar face. There was Fran, across the street, dressed in a hot - and by hot, Jerri meant barely there - outfit with six-inch heels. Barely a week in, and she already ruled the streets. To Jerri, however, Fran was still simply her "supercool popular friend Fran."

"Fran!" Jerri yelled happily. "Fran, it's me, Jerri! What's shakin'?"

Fran did not seem to notice the flailing middle-aged street whore trying desperately to attract her attention. This was understandable considering the fight that was breaking out around her. Fran smiled a supercool smile as perverts recklessly stabbed each other in their attempts to get to her first. When dust cleared, Fran, whose face was remarkably not at all splattered with blood, bent down over the carnage and picked up each late potential client's wallet.

"Fran! Hey, Frantic, it's me, Jerri!"

This time, Fran saw her, and Jerri's heart skipped a beat as the supercool popular street whore deigned to coolly cross the street and speak with her.

"Oh, hi, Jerri," said Fran coolly. "Thank you so much for inspiring me to be a whore. I had no idea I could make a fortune just by standing on a corner. This is so cool. But I've got at least two more corners to hit tonight, so I'll see you around, okay?"

The depressing reality struck Jerri only after Fran's ass was long out of sight.

The Same Day

"Are you Charles Noblet?" asked a man in a suit.

"Unfortunately," said a very high Chuck. "Why? Who are you?"

"I'm a process server," said the man. He held out papers. "These are from Claire -"

"Who?"

"Your wife," said the process server, looking around the cardboard box uneasily.

"Right," said Chuck. "What does she want?"

"She's filing for divorce. And frankly" - the process server blinked a few times, as though he could not believe what he was seeing - "I, for one, don't blame her."

"Have you got a pen?" asked Chuck. The process server nodded and handed him one. "Here," he said wretchedly, and attempted to sign each line, failed, and drew X's instead. "She can have everything. Just go away. Leave me alone!"

"Everything?" asked the process server incredulously. "Even custody of your son?"

"Go away!" Chuck moaned, on the brink of another bout of sobbing. He hadn't seen Geoffrey since yesterday afternoon, and they hadn't had a chance to have any hot, ass-thumping sex of their own since last week. He also hadn't eaten a proper meal since the corn dog he'd purchased mere hours before being party to the destruction of Flatpoint High.

"I don't need telling twice," said the process server, who made to leave.

"Obviously you do," groaned Chuck. "I have told you twice. So now I'm gonna tell you a third time - GET OUT!"

The process server sincerely attempted to follow this order, but failed on account of running smack into Geoffrey. He recovered, however, and bolted.

Chuck also bolted - straight to Geoffrey, unrestrainedly kissing those pillowy lips. "I don't care what you've been exposed to," he said between kisses, "I need you. Right now."

One Week Later

Jerri's next run-in with familiar faces was much less bloody. She groaned as she saw Orlando running toward her. He'd be sure to scare away her customers, though even he'd probably make a better whore than Mr. Noblet. She smiled and waved at Tammi, though. She sure hoped Coppertop had come to join them. It would be nice to have the company of another high school girl. And if Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck could go at it, there was no reason she couldn't get all into Nuttage.

"Jerri! Jerri, Jerri!" shouted her old friends they approached, panting.

"Hey, you guys!" said Jerri excitedly, hugging both of them and making sure to "accidentally" grope Tammi's ass in so doing. "What's shakin'? I haven't seen you since I ran off with Principal Blackman and Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck to become a street whore again!"

"We know that, Jerri," said Orlando. "We've been trying to find you since the explosion. We were afraid you might have been killed."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Orlando," said Jerri honestly. "I guess I shoulda called, but it was kind of an in-the-moment decision... anyway, how are you two doing? Do you want to join us?"

"Join you?" repeated Tammi, shaking her head. "No, Jerri, we came to rescue you. It wasn't easy because of your mother and Derrick moving, but we found out where they are when we ran into them at Pizzamania."

"Pizza, pizza, pizza!" cried Jerri automatically. Then: "So you found my stepmother and stepfag ... how did you find me?"

"Well, we thought you'd be with them, but your mother said hadn't seen you and didn't want to, and Derrick said he heard that you and Principal Blackman and Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck were working as street whores together. We didn't think it was true, but we thought we might as well look."

"Right," said Jerri. "We sure are, and since I'm kinda supposed to be working here, so I'll catch up with you guys later, okay? It was great to see you," she added - for her, sincerely.

"No, Jerri, you don't understand!" cried Orlando. "We came to rescue you! You're coming with us!"

"Don't you want to play Dungeons and Dragons with your average friends?" asked Tammi sensibly. "Just a week ago, you chose us. You finally made the right decision. Remember how happy you were then?"

Jerri bit her lip. "Torn," she cried.

"Jerri," said Tammi cleverly, "aren't you hungry? There isn't much to eat on the streets, is there?"

"Come with us to Pizzamania," said Orlando. "And then we can get fudge on the way to your mom and Derrick's new house!"

"Fudge!" screamed Jerri happily. "Okay, I'm in! Oh, I missed you guys!"

Later That Day

After enjoying her first full meal in three weeks, Jerri had more or less forgotten about her street friends in favour of her high school ones. She was still savoring the fudge when Tammi and Orlando dropped her off at the Blanks' new house, which was very like their old house, except, as Jerri would soon discover, without a bedroom for her.

"Just explain to your stepmother that you're ready to pick up your life exactly where you left off, again," said Tammi. "I'm sure she'll understand."

"Do you really think so?" cried Jerri jubilantly. "Oh, it'll be so good to be home!"

Orlando was slightly less optimistic, having met Sara Blank before, but he knew better than to bring that up. Jerri hugged both of her friends goodbye and proceeded to settle onto the couch to watch monkeys strangling ducks.

"Yes, as I was saying, we simply can't have a colored family moving in - AH!" Sara dropped the phone she'd been holding, staring in horror at Jerri. "How did you find us? Why are you here? Get out! Get out!"

Jerri chose to take this in stride. "I went back to the streets with Principal Blackman and Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck," she said cheerfully. "But I've abandoned them now to come back to my old new life. I'm gonna pick up my life exactly where I left off!"

"Oh, no, you're not!" screeched Sara. "Get out of my house! Now!"

"Come on, Mumsy, please let me stay!" begged Jerri. "It'll be just like the good old days!"

"Get out! Get out! Now! Why do you think Derrick and I moved and didn't tell you? We never want to see your puffy little face again!"

"Fine!" cried Jerri wretchedly. "I'll just go back to the streets, then, shall I, and fight like a dog and sell my body for smack -"

"It worked for you before, didn't it?" said Sara coolly. "I demand that you leave right this minute, young lady. And don't rub your feces on the lampshade," she added as Jerri moved to do just that.

Thwarted again, Jerri moved into desperate action mode. She threw two pillows at Sara, who shrieked, and then grabbed the TV, which was considerably bigger than the last TV she'd stolen, and made to run. Jerri kicked through the windowpane and set off running.

She didn't get very far before she heard sirens. Sara Blank smiled, having done what she wished she could have done years ago.

More or Less the Same Time That Day

Geoffrey was meeting a potential client who was about three times his size and apparently very kinky. This didn't bother him, as the man's list of kinks translated into very large bill. When Geoffrey informed him of this, he only smiled lasciviously.

"Let's go back to my place," he said in what was apparently supposed to be a seductive tone, "and we can work out all the details."

The route back to his place took them past the cardboard box, where Principal Blackman was lecturing Chuck about how he didn't even seem to be trying to contribute anymore. When Chuck saw Geoffrey walking past with yet another street creep, he finally snapped.

"All right, that's it!" he yelled, and stood up. "I can't take this anymore! I've got something to say!"

"Noblet! Noblet, what are you doing? Noblet, come back!" But Chuck had already taken off running, and moments later, with a sigh, his principal followed.

"Geoffrey!" Chuck yelled. "Geoffrey! I'm not afraid anymore! If you'll stop letting these creeps touch you, I'll tell the world about our ... friendship!"

"Chuck, I need the dough!" Geoffrey shouted back to his lover. "Don't you understand? I'm doing this for me!"

Before Chuck could reply, the street creep punched him in the face. He went down like a ten-dollar whore, which was exactly what he was, at least in theory.

"Chuck!" gasped Geoffrey.

"Geoffrey!" gasped Chuck.

"Enough," bellowed Principal Blackman, and he turned to face Geoffrey's client. "He who messes with one of my teachers is he who messes with me!"

Five Minutes Later

Jerri had been forced to leave the Blanks' TV as she ran from the oncoming cop cars. She arrived at the cardboard box just in time to see Principal Blackman and a slippery street creature engage in an all-out brawl.

"That's the spirit!" Jerri yelled. "Get him, principal!"

In her fascination with the fight, Jerri forgot that she was in the middle of resisting arrest. "Give me a V - I - C - T - O - R - Y! What does that spell? Victory!" She began to turn cartwheels, and was promptly joined by Geoffrey.

Buoyed by the support of Geoffrey and Jerri, Principal Blackman won his fight. Seconds later, he was arrested for assault, Jerri for theft, Geoffrey for faggotry and Chuck for loitering.

When and Where Our Story Started

Principal Blackman thought, and thought, and thought.

At first, Jerri had been looking up at him hopefully, but as she was unable to focus on anything that wasn't naked and/or in a degrading position for more than a minute, her attention soon wandered elsewhere. Various prisoners were giving her looks that could be interpreted, and were being interpreted, as lustful. In reality, they were morbidly curious, but what Jerri didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Yet.

Unknowingly, Chuck and Jerri were coming to the same conclusion. With Geoffrey to himself at last, Chuck was quickly coming to like the prospect of prison. He'd need a lesson in terminology from Jerri to keep it that way, of course. For now, Chuck continued stroking his lover's hair and silently joined Jerri in hoping that Principal Blackman didn't come up with anything, at least for a while.

"Aha!" cried the former principal. "I have a plan!"

FIN

 

 

 


End file.
